You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
