Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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