youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
