Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
