I accidentally had phone sex last night
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
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