don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
