What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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