I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
