U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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