I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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