honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
