You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
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i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
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Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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