Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
