I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
