Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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