I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
