I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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