I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I have demons in me.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize