I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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