remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
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I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
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You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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