tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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