the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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