Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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