I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
