A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
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Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
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How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
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