gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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