Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
