I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
