You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Can you bring me the toilet please
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
