Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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