I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
