just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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