Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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