Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
