so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
