Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
