david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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