Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
only you would photoshop your dick
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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