Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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