New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
