I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
