I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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