My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
