Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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