If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Randomize
