I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
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A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
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Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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