it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
