you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
