If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
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