Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
