is your mom at the bar?
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
