I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
