in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
