I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
