plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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