Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
